Today is a really sad freaking day for me.....

I have been sick lately in a way that is not appropriate to talk about on here.  Let's just say I've been having some digestive trouble since I went out on Saturday and had all those delicious PBRs.  I have been doing come research and have come to a very disturbing conclusion.  I'm about to get all scientific and shit on you but here goes.

Because I do Paleo I do not eat dairy AT ALL with the exception of MAYBE some goat cheese or something very rarely.  Because I don't eat dairy I don't have all those probiotics in my stomach to help  break down bad bacteria.  BUT because I don't eat wheat or gluten I don't really need them. 
Except for one tiny little beverage called Pabst Blue Ribbon. 
In case you are a little slow on the take, beer has gluten in it.  And wheat for that matter.  And sugar.  And its generally just not good for you as delicious as it might be.  Which I have known my whole paleo/crossfit career.  I know beer makes you fat...but I work twice as hard to make up for it.  Unfortunately now it is also making me sick.  I can't be having all thats.

This is the great/horrible thing about paleo.  Once you start and commit, the foods that were once just making you fat also start making you sick and messing your stuff ALL up.  Its proof that our bodies know better than we do.  So I am making a command decision right here and now:
I will stop drinking beer.

Ugh it hurts to say.  But its time I moved on.  My relationship with beer hasn't even been that great.  Let's be honest.  It makes me act ridiculous, it makes me fat, it makes me feel like a shitbag the entire next day, it costs money, and now it makes me sick too.  But don't judge too quickly.  We have all been in those relationships before where you just see such potential in your partner and you want so badly for them to be the one.  But alas they never are and c'mon they will never change.  So it is with great regret but somewhat of a sense of Tina Turnerness that I say goodbye to you Ike Tuner of beverages.  You have beat me down way too long and now I'm going out on my own for a pretty reputable solo career and a lifelong friendship with Oprah.

Now I'm going to go check into a Ramada Inn because what's love got to do with it?

I Can't Even Sit On The Toilet....

that's how sore I am!!!  I hear it all the time but even more than that I feel it all the time.  Every morning when I wake up I move my body just the slightest bit to see what hurts and then I start to formulate a plan to get up and stairs and down onto and then up off the toilet.  Some times it is just a matter of grinning and bearing it. 
I also have a LOT of people mistake soreness for injury or they quit working out because they are too "sore".  Well I decided to to some research. And by research I mean I typed into the search bar on Mark's Daily Apple.  Just so you guys know I think Mark is the definitive on EVERYTHING.  So I often consult him on my queries even before I ask God.  He's that smart.

So of course he had a great article about being sore and while some of the stuff I already knew, (like stretching has no scientific proof that it actually helps) some other stuff I didn't.  And here you are my lovelies:

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/muscle-soreness-causes-relief/

I will say one thing though.  I used to live with an Athletic Trainer and one day she saw me hobbling around the house and when I asked her about stretching or taking an anti-inflammatory she said absolutely not.  Taking anti-inflammatories can prolong the healing process so stay away from those.

In my own experience I have found that the more you do something the more used to it you become.  AAAAAAAnd since I have gone paleo my recovery time is a lot quicker.  Imagine that!  Your diet can actually improve your workouts??? Whaaaa??  Yeah its true.  So quit eating crap and you won't feel like crap.  Der.

P.S. This weekend I did a horrendous workout (worst ever), that I invented and because I was so proud of myself for not literally dying I decided to reward myself with my fav which is obviously PBR and lots of them.  Lets talk for just a second about how much of a mistake that was.  I generally don't drink or go out during the week since I have to be at the gym at the ass crack of dawn so Saturday is my night to get crazy.  And I did and it sucked...I felt like shit the next day, spent money I shouldn't have, and gained like a million pounds.  Plus I couldn't work out for two days.  And now I feel fat and disgusting and generally like a worse person altogether.  So I leave you with this thought: Is it worth it?  Is that fleeting moment of PBR (or chocolate cake, or plate of pasta) worth how it will make you feel/look later?  Is it worth throwing away all the hard work you put yourself through in the gym? Before you can answer, NO IT IS NOT WORTH IT!  NO NO  NO. Stop it.  Seriously.  Yes I am talking to myself just as much as to you if not more.  Listen very carefully to me.  PUT DOWN the snickers and back away.  Now take the biggest step forward you can till your knee is touching the ground...now another...see those are lunges...aren't those nice? So much better for your ass.  Good.  Now lunge toward the light and away from the fat.  Namaste.

correction to the last post...

Of course my mom emails me and tells me to give credit to the author for the paleo cookbook.  Told you she was awesome.

You can get the cookbook at paleocookbook.com

My mom could beat your mom in an awesome contest...

and here's why:  Just yesterday I was talking to someone about Paleo (something I hardly ever do, SIKE!) and I showed them my paleo cookbook that has literally a million recipes.  Everything from making your own mayo to chocolate banana cake:

 When I told my friend that my mom had made me this Paleo cookbook from like all the recipes on the internet, the young lady replied, "Dang your mom is AWESOME!"
Um duh.


You don't get to be as awesome as I am without having an awesome mom (and dad for that matter) so clearly the awesomeness is genetic.  Don't you wish your mom would make you a paleo cookbook? Of course you do.  But since your mom didn't and clearly she isn't as great as mine I will let you in on some recipes.  P.s. if you want to email me for some you can do that too.  Trust me there is a million.

So with Doug and the chocolate shake thing, and me and my former krispy kreme addiction, I thought I'd post something sweet and delicious.  So here is the recipe courtesy of my rocking mom.

Banana Chocolate Cake

ingrediants:
1/4 cup oil
1/4 cup honey
2 eggs
1 cup almond meal
1/2 cocoa powder
3 bananas, mashed



Pre-heat oven to 350

Cream oil, honey and eggs in a large bowl until light and fluffy.  Add almond meal, cocoa powder and bananas and mix well.

Line a cake tin with parchment paper and pour in banana mixture.

Place in oven for 50-60 min or until cooked.  Test by inserting knife into center.

If you make this and you work out at my gym? You better bring me some.  And if you're Rivers you better figure how to make some sort of delicious creamy topping.  There you go loves, a little cakey cake to satisfy your fatty patty side.  But remember, on the seesaw of diet and exercise, when one side goes up the other side must compensate by doing 50 burpees.  Or whatever you'd like.  I will do 100 burpees and eat this whole damn thing.  That's just me though.  So if you ever see my mom you can thank her #1 for creating me and B for creating this cookbook.

Pray for Death....

....that's what I was doing at 10:15 this morning.  But alas death did not come.  I should've  known when I chose a WOD from CrossFit Invictus that it would bring up my breakfast several times throughout.  If you all get a chance give "The Chief" a try and decide if you think death is a better option.

On a much brighter note, going back to how much better my gym is than yours, one of my peeps Rivers brought me Paleo banana pudding today and even though at the moment it feels like I would just throw it up, I know that later I will enjoy it immensely.  Thank you Rivers, you are the pimp of paleo.

I should also bring up that today another one of my peeps Doug told me he read my blog and then went to Whataburger and got a chocolate shake and then felt terrible about it.  He also felt terrible yesterday when I forced him to do 5 rounds of The Chief at the very end.  So sorry Doug for making you feel temporarily terrible but ultimately making you a better person.  Its just what I do.  If I can stop even one chocolate shake from being tasted, I shall not live in vain.

My mom also says I curse too much in my blog so I'm taking it down a notch but I can't make any promises.  Sorry mom, love ya.

Today I had a lot of first: First time using my new Do-Win weightlifting shoes. First time wearing high socks to protect my battered shins (for you know when I wear dresses). First time using the KT tape I just got for my knees.  I'm here to report it works quite well.  I had no problems with the knees today.  You can get it at Sports Authority and bring it in with you for whatever you need it for.  I will watch a video and apply it to you.  It will only cost you paleo banana pudding and your soul.  Just kidding it won't cost you anything.  But you should be bringing me paleo pudding all the time anyways.

Here is the website for the tape and a pic of it on me:
*disclaimer! The tape makes me look more pale than I am...trust me I'm really tan and buff.

kttape.com

Holy Rhabdo Batman!

Ok so yesterday's WOD was unforgivable to say the least.  It was bad...basically 55 deadlifts with 10 rounds of Cindy.  If you don't know what that means its 50 pullups 100 pushups and 150 squats plus all those deadlifts.  And with all the lunges and snatches I did the day before I was not having it AT ALL.

My ass was on fire by round 7 and I definitely wanted to quit.  Because I'm a trainer I have to fit my workouts in when no one is in the gym which means no one pushing me which means I want to quit like every second.  So yesterday even during my warmup I did not want to be doing this crap.  Its like that sometimes, you get out of bed and you know you need to workout but you would rather get kicked in the crotch for time than do anything.  As trainers we go through it too.  Probably worse because we don't have anyone yelling at us to keep going or stop whining.  We are left to our own devices and sometimes that is not awesome.

So I thought today I would talk about making yourself do crap you don't want to do.  I struggle with it from the time I get up (5:30 am effing kill me) to the time I go to bed.  I can think of a billion, literally one billion reasons to not work out.  It is a constant struggle mentally for me every day to get off my fat ass and pick up the barbell and go to O lift city.  Sometimes I want to be in biscuit and gravy town.

These are the times it is most important to push through the pain and KEEP GOING!  I have never heard someone come in after a workout and say "I should've stayed home and been fat!"  This stuff is like 85% mental.  I'm not even kidding.  I have seen people miss lifts over and over, tell me they can't do another rep, or say they want to quit and I just tell them "give me one more!" and they ALWAYS do.  Unfortunately I don't have someone standing there helping me through it.  But I do have you, and you inspire me to keep going.  I could never ask you to do something I wouldn't at least attempt myself, therefore when I want to stop and need to keep going it is my clients that keep pushing me because I know what I would say to them.  Isn't that beautiful? Don't you want to hug it out?

So that's what I want to say to you today.  This shit is hard.  Seriously hard.  I tell people all the time that the hardest part about working out is walking through the front door.  Getting here is literally the worst part.  After that, its cake boos.  Its only moderate temporary discomfort.  I know it feels like death is upon you but I promise YOU WILL FEEL BETTER having done SOMETHING.  So when you really don't want to do it and you can think of a billion reasons not to, those are the days you have to force yourself to keep going.  Don't let those doubts sink in and don't let your mind tell you you can't do something.  You can do it, you can do anything!  And if you are having trouble overcoming those thoughts just get through the front door and I promise my yelling will drown everything out.  I can yell loud.  That teach you that in Personal Trainer School.

Get out there and WORK!  I am holding your hand metaphysically speaking...but if you want me to actually hold your hand its $50 an hour.  Yeah, I'm that good. Clearly

Variety is the Spice of Life

First of all let me say that I LOVE my box.  I have worked out at other affiliates and no one compares.  I am obviously biased but my gym is better than your gym.  Let me prove it:

So just last week I was running (which I never do) and it was hot as balls and I was thinking to myself as I often do when I'm running (since its boring as hell) and I was thinking everyone's journey to their goals is a lonely one.  Ultimately its just you out there working your ass off.  No one can make you do it but yourself and no one is going to push you but yourself.  And just as I was making peace with the idea that I will have to be alone on this super fat journey, I turned the corner and there was one of my clients waiting for me to run the last lap with me.  I think tears might have welled up in my eyes (or I mean its just allergies, I'm cool).  It proved to me, no you are absolutely not alone if you work out at a gym as awesome as mine.  And I am so blessed to work out at the best gym ever because some people's boxes are not as cool.  Let me tell you about it.

We recently had someone come in and tell us they were working out at another box and they weren't happy.  This other box really focuses on the sexy met con and always does like ridiculous chippers.  He said he hadn't really touched a barbell since he had been there.  Luckily, when he came in to check us out we were in the middle of snatching and jerking our faces off.  He liked what he saw.  He's leaving his box for ours.  We are the smoking hot CrossFit mistress.

The GREAT thing about CrossFit is that we are a community that isn't really ruled by one almighty corporate fat cat.  You get your certs, apply for affiliation, boom you're there.  We are grassroots at its grass rootiest.  It takes a certain type of person to do CrossFit and we have the hope that everyone is like us that owns an affiliate.  Not always the case.  I would never want to trash another box or their programming.  We have definitely hoboed our way onto the sexy met con train once or twice.  Luckily we realized and hopped of somewhere outside of O lift City.  A place where dreams come true and the royal family's last name is Burgener.

I found a brilliant article called "Beware the Sexy Met Con" by our friends over at CrossFit Whole Nine in Dallas before they de-affiliated (which I won't get into because I ain't into politics)
Here is the fantastic article

http://whole9life.com/2009/12/beware-the-lure-of-the-sexy-met-con/

So remember met-con is fun and doing 50 reps of 50 different things can be a seriously badass tool in your badassery tool bag.  But the barbell is where its at people.  You'll never see gain in strength and general awesomeness like you will with load bearing workouts.  That's just science and you can google it (my answer for everything).  You will become a more well rounded athlete with CONSTANTLY VARIED, FUNCTIONAL MOVEMENTS, EXECUTED AT HIGH INTENSITY! You will also become less of an asshole, I promise.
PS you're not alone in your journey.  I am here for you and that's why sometimes you will only see one set of footprints in the sand.  I am back-squating you.

The most delicious thing you will ever eat, probably

So I eat Paleo.  And don't try to tell me not to because it has totally changed my fat and disgusting life.  And I personally think everyone should totally go paleo because its awesome and you can't deny being awesome if you tried.  So do it.

As paleoers or paleoans or paleonisians we are always having to be creative to avoid the chicken and vegetable rut.  So I have made a brilliant discovery and I'd like to share it with you.


Deboles Jerusalem Artichoke Pasta.  You heard me.  Or, you read me.  It is gluten free and processed free and all that stuff, since its made from Jerusalem artichokes its paleo,  and its freaking delicious.  I literally just put in some canola oil and some chicken or fish, sundried toms, and like a full bag of spinach and it changes my life every time.  If you're like me and you love foods that aren't good for you at all then this is perfect because we as paleolithians never get to eat pasta, and spaghetti squash gets old.  They have it at Publix in the greenwise section which by the way is fabulous and totally paleoish, sometimes.

So run down to the store and get yourself some Deboles and tell em Julie sent ya.*

*(Telling them I sent you will actually get you nowhere.  They will just look at you smile and nod and probably think you're a freak so that last part is totally up to you.)

Living the blog life

I am a CrossFit trainer. I am an expert at making entire meals from coconut milk, walnuts, fish, and avocados. I also help people go faster and suck less, including myself. I started CrossFit 1yr and 6 months (and 45lbs) ago. I was fat as fat can be, a full pack a day smoker (kill me) and a full large Papa John's bbq chicken pizza eater (delicious with buffalo sauce). I also frequented the Krispy Kreme by my house pretty much every other night. Needless to say I was on the fat track to type 2. Thank god I saw a picture of myself and went "Holy fat disgusting shit!!!" How does a former college soccer player get this way you ask? Torn ACL coupled with some seriously poor relationship choices and 6 years of not giving a shit. That all changed January of 2009 when I discovered CrossFit and decided to kick the fat thing and try being super strong and awesome. Its been working really well.

Because I have had to overcome my own fatness and I know what it feels like to have your feet tangled in a black band while you are using everything you can to throw your fat ass over a bar just to have your double chin graze it every time, feels. Therefore my contribution to CrossFit is definitely one of "been there done fat". So I am blogging because all the cool kids are and because I hope there are other people out there who look at CrossFit and think "I'm too fat", and I can say NO YOU'RE NOT! NOW DO 20 BURPEES! With love of course.

There are definitely a lot of people who blog who know waaaaaaaay more than me about everything. But I am here to share my experience and hopefully help someone else start there journey away from fat and into the light. Come towards the light.