Abmat Ass Chafing..and other CrossFit things

I'm not super special here and I know that. Everyone takes time off from exercising and feels like total shit when they try to start back again. I get it. And I get that CrossFit is hard for everyone even her:

That's Camille by the way. And don't worry she's better at everything than all of us.

But its hard to have been able to do something, do it well, do it fast and heavy, and not do it anymore. When I started CrossFit I sucked at everything which is how everyone is. Everytime I got to an element I couldn't do I just put it on the list as something to work on everyday. My list was long. It looked something like this:
1. Burpees
2. Thrusters
3. PULLUPS
4. Pushups
5. Squats
6. Oly lift (any and all)
7. Bench
8. Deadlift
9. HSPU
10. DOUBLE UNDERS

And so on and so forth. But I didn't know what I was supposed to be able to do. Everything was a bench mark, everything was a PR. I can still remember when I got my first double under. Or my first 250# deadlift. Holy crap. Amazing.

But coming back is different. Its a battle everyday. Its a CrossFit battle sandwich. The buns are regular CrossFit hardness. The meat and cheese and all the fixins are the fact that I used to be so much better, stronger, faster, Kanye, all of that.

Yesterday I did deadlifts. My FAV. Because I went from a 95# deadlift to a 265# in 8 months. I also weighed 50lbs more. And yesterday I tapped out at 205#. Frustrating. While my bodyweight stuff is infinitely better, it feels like everyday I add another thing to the list of stuff I just can't freaking do.  And it blows...big time.

Fitness, diet, life, love, all of it requires work. I have found that you can either do a medium amount of work everyday on all of it, or you can slack, and then have a lot of work to do. You can not exercise, and in six months you will have 3 times as much work that would've had, had you just done a little each day. You can cheat on your diet and then start all over, over and over. You can let things come in between you and your partner and watch as everyday you get further and further away from each other. You have to work at it everyday. For the rest of your life. That seems daunting, especially at first when you're not getting instant gratification.

I want to empty that running list of things I can't do. But that list will never be emptied. Never be checked off. That list will always be there because I can always get better, stronger, faster, lighter, happier, nicer, kinder. Do you think Camille has marked muscle ups off her list?? NO. Camille has put 30 muscle ups in 3min on there (i'm guessing).

Work. Everything takes work. A little everyday, or a lot later. Its your choice. But either way you're going to have to work to be happy. At least you won't be bored? Good luck.

Catherine Grimes

When I was a senior in high school I got a new best friend. Most people in high school get new best friends every week. I was probably no different in some ways, but Catherine was different. Its hard to describe her because I know the way I knew her was different from the way others knew her. But I can say before she became my best friend I thought different of her. Maybe I was even a little judgmental of her.

Anyone that knew her will agree that she was beautiful. I mean seriously. Blonde haired, blue-eyed, charismatic, charming. BEST SMILE. Catherine's dad was a well-known dentist and she was considered pretty well-off. Maybe even spoiled  to some people. She was popular obviously and from the outside seemed to have everything. But Catherine was different. Unlike most of the popular girls she had a habit of doing things outside of her social circle. That's when I first heard of her. She dated a geeky trombone player in the band. It was a controversial couple. Catherine herself told me that her friends rejected the relationship and ultimately the pressure from both sides became too much for them. I would experience this to an extent later on.

There are a select few people in my life I can remember the exact moment we became friends. I was walking in the band room one afternoon and apparently in a terrible mood, looking sad and angry. Catherine saw me and just said "you look like you could use a hug". She literally didn't hesitate before wrapping her arms around me and embracing me like a best friend, a sister, unlike anything I'd ever known and especially from a complete stranger. Needless to say I was sold and we didn't really spend too much time apart for the rest of the year.

It was unfortunate that I really only met Catherine at the end of my senior year before I would go to college. I didn't know then that anytime at all would have never been enough. Being friends with Catherine gave me access to a life that I had always speculated and envied but never really known. I had become friends with the popular girl notorious for doing the unpopular thing. It was like being friends with a rockstar. She was in demand, she was an enigma, gorgeous and free. She loved to shock people and do the unexpected thing. But her sincerity was never lacking and it was always beautiful to encounter. She brought me a stuffed elephant after my knee surgery. We laid in bed and watched Pretty Woman and we named my new friend Edward after Richard Gere.

Catherine revealed to me one day in of our many note exchanges she suffered from Ulcerative Colitis. An inflammation in her intestine. She never complained about it, and I never understood its seriousness. After I left for college Catherine and I stayed close. She told me out of the blue she was taking some time off to be admitted to St. Jude's because her condition had worsened. I visited her at home and remember her sitting there in my Troy State Soccer shirt with a blanket, weak and feeble. I had to help her to the bathroom. I cried and she told me how ridiculous and sensitive I was. She made jokes and said she was fine.

We lost touch as most friends do. Catherine went to Auburn and joined a sorority and I came out of the closet. She told me she loved me and accepted me. We always promised to get together soon. She got married and I couldn't go because I was living in Florida and going through my own changes.

In November of 2006 I went home for Thanksgiving and saw an old friend out. She asked had I talked to Catherine and I said it had been a while. She said I should talk to her because she was going in for surgery that weekend, apparently her illness had progressed and part of her intestine was to be removed.  I went back home to Pensacola and wrote Catherine an email telling her I loved her, missed her, and prayed that she will be delivered from her illness once and for all.

She passed away that Saturday evening from complications during surgery. She was 22 years old.

Why does any of this matter? Paleo in so many instances has reversed the symptoms of UC. In my early study of it I read story after story of people with Catherine's condition who had potentially saved their lives through changing their diet. I don't know if it would've helped her. I don't even want to know to tell you the truth. But I know whatever you struggle with, mentally, physically, emotionally, if you can read this, it can help you. I believe it can save you and that's why I always talk about it, get so passionate about it and owe my own life to it. I have been blessed with 6 more years now than Catherine was and its my responsibility to her to make the best of it. These 30 days are for you Cat. Love you always.

Slow and Steady Wins the Fat Race

I am a food addict and it has taken me years to admit it. There are so many different triggers to my obsession with food. Its actually pretty messed up stuff. Have you ever gotten out your Christmas lights after a full year of them sitting in the closet and somehow they have magically twisted into a ridiculous circuit of wires and knots with no discernible beginning and no foreseeable end? Imagine each one of those wires is a different strand of my food addiction. That is messed up right? Right.

So take that kind of psycho emotional, mental and physical confusion and add to it some horrible life and relationship choices, a dash of normal female insecurities, and sprinkle the fact that I have worked in restaurants, surrounded by imbibery and excess, my entire life. Basically just add life and all that goes with it.  My potentially gorgeous ball of Christmas lights just turned into a giant knot of fat and death.  I say this so you understand the visual of my food addiction infiltrating every aspect of my life and choking it to death. Isn't that pleasant? Kind of makes me want to eat a cupcake....

So for the last four years it has taken me probably twice as long to lose the weight I'm determined to lose. I have quit like a million times. I have rejected all my knowledge and research and gone on 5 day sugar binders. I have quit CrossFit and exercising more times than I care to admit. But I'm still going. Still trying. Still struggling. I declare 2012 the last year I'm fat.

What does fat mean to me? It used to mean a lot more, but now I've decided its 20% body fat. That's healthy, doable, and something I can live with. I'm at 29% so its gonna happen this year. It will happen damn it .I say this so you understand the importance of having a doable, but challenging goal. Without goals, we are just aimlessly wondering around trying not to desperately tear open a sugar packet and pour it down our fat gullets.

During Paleo challenges I'm happier than ever, because for once, my obsession doesn't control me. I don't think about talking myself down from a fresh baked chocolate chip cookie ledge, because I already made the decision  that I ain't jumping. I'm in a challenge and it doesn't matter what my addiction wants. I've already decided I'm winning this one. My crazy competitive nature totally trumps my fat ass, and so I don't obsess, or worry, or drive myself into madness thinking about bread. My mind was made up on day 1 of my challenge so it alleviates me of the stress of my addiction.

With every single moment that I control what I put in my body, I'm congratulating myself and blowing lots and lots of air into my self-esteem bubble. I am winning the battle with food. And the more I win, the stronger I become. And after a while I feel unstoppable. But I always was, and I didn't need a challenge to prove it. That's my hardest lesson. I can do this, I have always been capable and its really not that hard.

We can't change the past so why obsess over it? We have no idea what's in our future so what's the use in worrying? In this moment though? Everything is in this moment. The entire universe exists in the now. So right now you have a choice. And your choice won't change your past, but it can shape your future. Don't give up your focus and your goal because of a moment. Give up the moment to your focus and your goal. And when you see something you want, ask yourself if it helps your goal. Ask yourself if its fulfilling a momentary impulse or an actual need.  And pray to sweet baby Jesus because cake is delicious.