Smoking crack and moving to a new house in the PAIN ZONE....

So my good buddy and phenomenal trainer Lex has convinced me that it is a good idea for him and I to go to the CrossFit games dirty south sectional next year...I'm not sure how much crack is bad for you but however much he is smoking is seriously bad...but I agreed...because having a goal is what this stuff is all about...even if you're goal is crack smoking crazy.....

So let's talk about me moving to my new address in the PAIN ZONE.....We have all seen these athletes after this weekend and now we are like hey I wanna do that...I wanna be unstopable and unconquerable...we all do...that's supposedly why we do crossfit....however it goes deeper than that...and its all about the pain zone....

There are amazing crossfitters who have written way better articles on this stuff than I am right now and you can find them on the journal and just about anywhere...but I thought I'd bring the info straight to you...I wouldn't want you to have to get up off your ass for anything...

I can still remember my first workout where I discovered the meaning of "living in the pain zone". It was at my level 1 cert 6 months after I started crossfit.  Now you might say to yourself "you did crossfit for 6 months without living in the pain zone!!! Impossible! I was living there day one!"  And I would say thats what you think.... shutup and let me explain...

Lots of crossfitters visit but they never move in....lots of crossfitters think they know but they don't... It took a team WOD in Atlanta, in the summer, 110 degrees to make me realize.  Because see during a team wod you can't stop...if you stop you let your team down...and for some reason I pushed myself harder for strangers than I ever did for myself....and I knew the meaning of living in the pain zone...when I got to that point where I couldn't pick up the kettlebell one more time I HAD to because my team would've lost...and I couldn't bear to think they were losing because I was "tired".  So I pushed and I wanted to die but I didn't and I got it done....this is the PAIN ZONE

I admit it takes practice to be able to get there and stay there.  It takes doing it over and over again.  It takes ignoring your entire body and just finding the strength within you to continue...its mental baby and it takes heart not mind or body...like a crossfit team who doesn't have rings attempting muscle up after muscle up and getting on their knees and letting their teammates stand on their backs..on the asphalt, 95 degrees, completely exhausted, and not stopping (San Francisco CrossFit)

Or a team that doesn't have ropes busting out 20 foot rope climbs even though one of them has a fear of heights and some of them never do rope climbs (Invictus)

Or a 140lb man cleaning 205 like it was his job and beating guys that have 60 lbs on him (Spealler)

These people are just people...they are...what makes them different is how they approach a workout...they don't freaking STOP! Not for water, not for injury, not for pain, not for their lungs, not for anything....and that takes heart not mind and not matter.  When you get to the point you want to/need to/ have to stop just keep going...I know its crazy and your body will fight you 100% and your mind will fight you 150%...but your heart will push you forward...don't just visit the PAIN ZONE..live there...be your own fucking hero....(sorry mom)

Turkish Get Ups...or as I like to call them "devil sons of bitches"

When you get to the gym and you see a 200 year old Russian weightlifting move on the board you should be scared....because your body is about to die...

Jeff Martone doing a TGU with a person.  He is the kettlebell HQ instructor for all the certs.  He is unbelievable.

Have you met a Russian? How about a Russian weightlifter? Anyone remembering Rocky IV? Yeah they are crazy....crazy strong...crazy good at drinking crazy amounts of vodka..

It has been said that the Turkish Get up was used as a training method for turkish wrestlers and adopted by the Russians.  You weren't allowed to move on to your next training skill until you could do 100lb get up...so what is a get up you ask? I'd rather not tell you so your shoulders can live a long happy life in ignorant bliss...but you will be weak and feeble without them...so you should know...

Have you ever been flat on your back on the floor holding a baby straight up above you playing airplane? Now put that baby in just one hand and stand all the way up with the baby completely locked out over head...now go back down to your back keep your baby straight up in the air.  That's basically it.  Oh yeah make sure your baby weighs 35.2 lbs.

So why do we do it?  Turkish get ups and basically anything with kettlebells will rock your entire body...talk about a core workout..jeezzzz.  And you are about to see kettlebell classes popping up all over the globo gyms because people see crossfitters and think they can get that body doing kettlebells.  And you can sort of.  If you do them properly and safely.  Holding 35 lbs straight above your face and standing up is dangerous.  If you're not trained you could end up having a totally different looking body from kettlebells...aka a smashed in face...which is ok, but in our society not very attractive.  So here is my point for today's post.  Working out for real can be dangerous.  You need to be properly trained.  You need to have a trainer.  This P90X bulls**** goes against everything real trainers believe in.  I stand over people all day long and have to literally drag them kicking and screaming through the workout and that is provided they actually even come in.  So to think you are going to get anything productive done by popping a dvd in, in your living room, by yourself, and following it is ridiculous.  I'm not saying it can't be done, I'm just saying set yourself up for success by getting a personal trainer.  At least someone to get you started.

With that said, you can get a PT cert online in six hours.  It is ridiculous how ignorant trainers are.  I worked for Omni fitness before CrossFit and those people knew nothing and did not give a shit.  So be weary of big gyms that sell you crazy shit.  Like if the gym has a tanning bed..RUN.  If there are tvs in the gym RUN AWAY FAST.  You should not be watching tv while working out...if you are, you aren't doing anything worth a shit.  Your workout should take EVERYTHING out of you.  You should have to concentrate.  If you can find a trainer who likes to work you out outside, do that.  Its built in conditioning because its hot, its austere, and there aren't any machines or cables to do the work for you.  Choose your trainer wisely.  Or join a CrossFit gym.  Or email me and I will get you started.  Be careful at these Globos and please for the love of all that is holy don't waste your money on those dvds...get your ass outside...get a kettlebell..go to crossfit.com and start WORKING!  good luck!

Today is a really sad freaking day for me.....

I have been sick lately in a way that is not appropriate to talk about on here.  Let's just say I've been having some digestive trouble since I went out on Saturday and had all those delicious PBRs.  I have been doing come research and have come to a very disturbing conclusion.  I'm about to get all scientific and shit on you but here goes.

Because I do Paleo I do not eat dairy AT ALL with the exception of MAYBE some goat cheese or something very rarely.  Because I don't eat dairy I don't have all those probiotics in my stomach to help  break down bad bacteria.  BUT because I don't eat wheat or gluten I don't really need them. 
Except for one tiny little beverage called Pabst Blue Ribbon. 
In case you are a little slow on the take, beer has gluten in it.  And wheat for that matter.  And sugar.  And its generally just not good for you as delicious as it might be.  Which I have known my whole paleo/crossfit career.  I know beer makes you fat...but I work twice as hard to make up for it.  Unfortunately now it is also making me sick.  I can't be having all thats.

This is the great/horrible thing about paleo.  Once you start and commit, the foods that were once just making you fat also start making you sick and messing your stuff ALL up.  Its proof that our bodies know better than we do.  So I am making a command decision right here and now:
I will stop drinking beer.

Ugh it hurts to say.  But its time I moved on.  My relationship with beer hasn't even been that great.  Let's be honest.  It makes me act ridiculous, it makes me fat, it makes me feel like a shitbag the entire next day, it costs money, and now it makes me sick too.  But don't judge too quickly.  We have all been in those relationships before where you just see such potential in your partner and you want so badly for them to be the one.  But alas they never are and c'mon they will never change.  So it is with great regret but somewhat of a sense of Tina Turnerness that I say goodbye to you Ike Tuner of beverages.  You have beat me down way too long and now I'm going out on my own for a pretty reputable solo career and a lifelong friendship with Oprah.

Now I'm going to go check into a Ramada Inn because what's love got to do with it?

I Can't Even Sit On The Toilet....

that's how sore I am!!!  I hear it all the time but even more than that I feel it all the time.  Every morning when I wake up I move my body just the slightest bit to see what hurts and then I start to formulate a plan to get up and stairs and down onto and then up off the toilet.  Some times it is just a matter of grinning and bearing it. 
I also have a LOT of people mistake soreness for injury or they quit working out because they are too "sore".  Well I decided to to some research. And by research I mean I typed into the search bar on Mark's Daily Apple.  Just so you guys know I think Mark is the definitive on EVERYTHING.  So I often consult him on my queries even before I ask God.  He's that smart.

So of course he had a great article about being sore and while some of the stuff I already knew, (like stretching has no scientific proof that it actually helps) some other stuff I didn't.  And here you are my lovelies:

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/muscle-soreness-causes-relief/

I will say one thing though.  I used to live with an Athletic Trainer and one day she saw me hobbling around the house and when I asked her about stretching or taking an anti-inflammatory she said absolutely not.  Taking anti-inflammatories can prolong the healing process so stay away from those.

In my own experience I have found that the more you do something the more used to it you become.  AAAAAAAnd since I have gone paleo my recovery time is a lot quicker.  Imagine that!  Your diet can actually improve your workouts??? Whaaaa??  Yeah its true.  So quit eating crap and you won't feel like crap.  Der.

P.S. This weekend I did a horrendous workout (worst ever), that I invented and because I was so proud of myself for not literally dying I decided to reward myself with my fav which is obviously PBR and lots of them.  Lets talk for just a second about how much of a mistake that was.  I generally don't drink or go out during the week since I have to be at the gym at the ass crack of dawn so Saturday is my night to get crazy.  And I did and it sucked...I felt like shit the next day, spent money I shouldn't have, and gained like a million pounds.  Plus I couldn't work out for two days.  And now I feel fat and disgusting and generally like a worse person altogether.  So I leave you with this thought: Is it worth it?  Is that fleeting moment of PBR (or chocolate cake, or plate of pasta) worth how it will make you feel/look later?  Is it worth throwing away all the hard work you put yourself through in the gym? Before you can answer, NO IT IS NOT WORTH IT!  NO NO  NO. Stop it.  Seriously.  Yes I am talking to myself just as much as to you if not more.  Listen very carefully to me.  PUT DOWN the snickers and back away.  Now take the biggest step forward you can till your knee is touching the ground...now another...see those are lunges...aren't those nice? So much better for your ass.  Good.  Now lunge toward the light and away from the fat.  Namaste.

correction to the last post...

Of course my mom emails me and tells me to give credit to the author for the paleo cookbook.  Told you she was awesome.

You can get the cookbook at paleocookbook.com

My mom could beat your mom in an awesome contest...

and here's why:  Just yesterday I was talking to someone about Paleo (something I hardly ever do, SIKE!) and I showed them my paleo cookbook that has literally a million recipes.  Everything from making your own mayo to chocolate banana cake:

 When I told my friend that my mom had made me this Paleo cookbook from like all the recipes on the internet, the young lady replied, "Dang your mom is AWESOME!"
Um duh.


You don't get to be as awesome as I am without having an awesome mom (and dad for that matter) so clearly the awesomeness is genetic.  Don't you wish your mom would make you a paleo cookbook? Of course you do.  But since your mom didn't and clearly she isn't as great as mine I will let you in on some recipes.  P.s. if you want to email me for some you can do that too.  Trust me there is a million.

So with Doug and the chocolate shake thing, and me and my former krispy kreme addiction, I thought I'd post something sweet and delicious.  So here is the recipe courtesy of my rocking mom.

Banana Chocolate Cake

ingrediants:
1/4 cup oil
1/4 cup honey
2 eggs
1 cup almond meal
1/2 cocoa powder
3 bananas, mashed



Pre-heat oven to 350

Cream oil, honey and eggs in a large bowl until light and fluffy.  Add almond meal, cocoa powder and bananas and mix well.

Line a cake tin with parchment paper and pour in banana mixture.

Place in oven for 50-60 min or until cooked.  Test by inserting knife into center.

If you make this and you work out at my gym? You better bring me some.  And if you're Rivers you better figure how to make some sort of delicious creamy topping.  There you go loves, a little cakey cake to satisfy your fatty patty side.  But remember, on the seesaw of diet and exercise, when one side goes up the other side must compensate by doing 50 burpees.  Or whatever you'd like.  I will do 100 burpees and eat this whole damn thing.  That's just me though.  So if you ever see my mom you can thank her #1 for creating me and B for creating this cookbook.

Pray for Death....

....that's what I was doing at 10:15 this morning.  But alas death did not come.  I should've  known when I chose a WOD from CrossFit Invictus that it would bring up my breakfast several times throughout.  If you all get a chance give "The Chief" a try and decide if you think death is a better option.

On a much brighter note, going back to how much better my gym is than yours, one of my peeps Rivers brought me Paleo banana pudding today and even though at the moment it feels like I would just throw it up, I know that later I will enjoy it immensely.  Thank you Rivers, you are the pimp of paleo.

I should also bring up that today another one of my peeps Doug told me he read my blog and then went to Whataburger and got a chocolate shake and then felt terrible about it.  He also felt terrible yesterday when I forced him to do 5 rounds of The Chief at the very end.  So sorry Doug for making you feel temporarily terrible but ultimately making you a better person.  Its just what I do.  If I can stop even one chocolate shake from being tasted, I shall not live in vain.

My mom also says I curse too much in my blog so I'm taking it down a notch but I can't make any promises.  Sorry mom, love ya.

Today I had a lot of first: First time using my new Do-Win weightlifting shoes. First time wearing high socks to protect my battered shins (for you know when I wear dresses). First time using the KT tape I just got for my knees.  I'm here to report it works quite well.  I had no problems with the knees today.  You can get it at Sports Authority and bring it in with you for whatever you need it for.  I will watch a video and apply it to you.  It will only cost you paleo banana pudding and your soul.  Just kidding it won't cost you anything.  But you should be bringing me paleo pudding all the time anyways.

Here is the website for the tape and a pic of it on me:
*disclaimer! The tape makes me look more pale than I am...trust me I'm really tan and buff.

kttape.com