Abmat Ass Chafing..and other CrossFit things

I'm not super special here and I know that. Everyone takes time off from exercising and feels like total shit when they try to start back again. I get it. And I get that CrossFit is hard for everyone even her:

That's Camille by the way. And don't worry she's better at everything than all of us.

But its hard to have been able to do something, do it well, do it fast and heavy, and not do it anymore. When I started CrossFit I sucked at everything which is how everyone is. Everytime I got to an element I couldn't do I just put it on the list as something to work on everyday. My list was long. It looked something like this:
1. Burpees
2. Thrusters
3. PULLUPS
4. Pushups
5. Squats
6. Oly lift (any and all)
7. Bench
8. Deadlift
9. HSPU
10. DOUBLE UNDERS

And so on and so forth. But I didn't know what I was supposed to be able to do. Everything was a bench mark, everything was a PR. I can still remember when I got my first double under. Or my first 250# deadlift. Holy crap. Amazing.

But coming back is different. Its a battle everyday. Its a CrossFit battle sandwich. The buns are regular CrossFit hardness. The meat and cheese and all the fixins are the fact that I used to be so much better, stronger, faster, Kanye, all of that.

Yesterday I did deadlifts. My FAV. Because I went from a 95# deadlift to a 265# in 8 months. I also weighed 50lbs more. And yesterday I tapped out at 205#. Frustrating. While my bodyweight stuff is infinitely better, it feels like everyday I add another thing to the list of stuff I just can't freaking do.  And it blows...big time.

Fitness, diet, life, love, all of it requires work. I have found that you can either do a medium amount of work everyday on all of it, or you can slack, and then have a lot of work to do. You can not exercise, and in six months you will have 3 times as much work that would've had, had you just done a little each day. You can cheat on your diet and then start all over, over and over. You can let things come in between you and your partner and watch as everyday you get further and further away from each other. You have to work at it everyday. For the rest of your life. That seems daunting, especially at first when you're not getting instant gratification.

I want to empty that running list of things I can't do. But that list will never be emptied. Never be checked off. That list will always be there because I can always get better, stronger, faster, lighter, happier, nicer, kinder. Do you think Camille has marked muscle ups off her list?? NO. Camille has put 30 muscle ups in 3min on there (i'm guessing).

Work. Everything takes work. A little everyday, or a lot later. Its your choice. But either way you're going to have to work to be happy. At least you won't be bored? Good luck.

Catherine Grimes

When I was a senior in high school I got a new best friend. Most people in high school get new best friends every week. I was probably no different in some ways, but Catherine was different. Its hard to describe her because I know the way I knew her was different from the way others knew her. But I can say before she became my best friend I thought different of her. Maybe I was even a little judgmental of her.

Anyone that knew her will agree that she was beautiful. I mean seriously. Blonde haired, blue-eyed, charismatic, charming. BEST SMILE. Catherine's dad was a well-known dentist and she was considered pretty well-off. Maybe even spoiled  to some people. She was popular obviously and from the outside seemed to have everything. But Catherine was different. Unlike most of the popular girls she had a habit of doing things outside of her social circle. That's when I first heard of her. She dated a geeky trombone player in the band. It was a controversial couple. Catherine herself told me that her friends rejected the relationship and ultimately the pressure from both sides became too much for them. I would experience this to an extent later on.

There are a select few people in my life I can remember the exact moment we became friends. I was walking in the band room one afternoon and apparently in a terrible mood, looking sad and angry. Catherine saw me and just said "you look like you could use a hug". She literally didn't hesitate before wrapping her arms around me and embracing me like a best friend, a sister, unlike anything I'd ever known and especially from a complete stranger. Needless to say I was sold and we didn't really spend too much time apart for the rest of the year.

It was unfortunate that I really only met Catherine at the end of my senior year before I would go to college. I didn't know then that anytime at all would have never been enough. Being friends with Catherine gave me access to a life that I had always speculated and envied but never really known. I had become friends with the popular girl notorious for doing the unpopular thing. It was like being friends with a rockstar. She was in demand, she was an enigma, gorgeous and free. She loved to shock people and do the unexpected thing. But her sincerity was never lacking and it was always beautiful to encounter. She brought me a stuffed elephant after my knee surgery. We laid in bed and watched Pretty Woman and we named my new friend Edward after Richard Gere.

Catherine revealed to me one day in of our many note exchanges she suffered from Ulcerative Colitis. An inflammation in her intestine. She never complained about it, and I never understood its seriousness. After I left for college Catherine and I stayed close. She told me out of the blue she was taking some time off to be admitted to St. Jude's because her condition had worsened. I visited her at home and remember her sitting there in my Troy State Soccer shirt with a blanket, weak and feeble. I had to help her to the bathroom. I cried and she told me how ridiculous and sensitive I was. She made jokes and said she was fine.

We lost touch as most friends do. Catherine went to Auburn and joined a sorority and I came out of the closet. She told me she loved me and accepted me. We always promised to get together soon. She got married and I couldn't go because I was living in Florida and going through my own changes.

In November of 2006 I went home for Thanksgiving and saw an old friend out. She asked had I talked to Catherine and I said it had been a while. She said I should talk to her because she was going in for surgery that weekend, apparently her illness had progressed and part of her intestine was to be removed.  I went back home to Pensacola and wrote Catherine an email telling her I loved her, missed her, and prayed that she will be delivered from her illness once and for all.

She passed away that Saturday evening from complications during surgery. She was 22 years old.

Why does any of this matter? Paleo in so many instances has reversed the symptoms of UC. In my early study of it I read story after story of people with Catherine's condition who had potentially saved their lives through changing their diet. I don't know if it would've helped her. I don't even want to know to tell you the truth. But I know whatever you struggle with, mentally, physically, emotionally, if you can read this, it can help you. I believe it can save you and that's why I always talk about it, get so passionate about it and owe my own life to it. I have been blessed with 6 more years now than Catherine was and its my responsibility to her to make the best of it. These 30 days are for you Cat. Love you always.

Slow and Steady Wins the Fat Race

I am a food addict and it has taken me years to admit it. There are so many different triggers to my obsession with food. Its actually pretty messed up stuff. Have you ever gotten out your Christmas lights after a full year of them sitting in the closet and somehow they have magically twisted into a ridiculous circuit of wires and knots with no discernible beginning and no foreseeable end? Imagine each one of those wires is a different strand of my food addiction. That is messed up right? Right.

So take that kind of psycho emotional, mental and physical confusion and add to it some horrible life and relationship choices, a dash of normal female insecurities, and sprinkle the fact that I have worked in restaurants, surrounded by imbibery and excess, my entire life. Basically just add life and all that goes with it.  My potentially gorgeous ball of Christmas lights just turned into a giant knot of fat and death.  I say this so you understand the visual of my food addiction infiltrating every aspect of my life and choking it to death. Isn't that pleasant? Kind of makes me want to eat a cupcake....

So for the last four years it has taken me probably twice as long to lose the weight I'm determined to lose. I have quit like a million times. I have rejected all my knowledge and research and gone on 5 day sugar binders. I have quit CrossFit and exercising more times than I care to admit. But I'm still going. Still trying. Still struggling. I declare 2012 the last year I'm fat.

What does fat mean to me? It used to mean a lot more, but now I've decided its 20% body fat. That's healthy, doable, and something I can live with. I'm at 29% so its gonna happen this year. It will happen damn it .I say this so you understand the importance of having a doable, but challenging goal. Without goals, we are just aimlessly wondering around trying not to desperately tear open a sugar packet and pour it down our fat gullets.

During Paleo challenges I'm happier than ever, because for once, my obsession doesn't control me. I don't think about talking myself down from a fresh baked chocolate chip cookie ledge, because I already made the decision  that I ain't jumping. I'm in a challenge and it doesn't matter what my addiction wants. I've already decided I'm winning this one. My crazy competitive nature totally trumps my fat ass, and so I don't obsess, or worry, or drive myself into madness thinking about bread. My mind was made up on day 1 of my challenge so it alleviates me of the stress of my addiction.

With every single moment that I control what I put in my body, I'm congratulating myself and blowing lots and lots of air into my self-esteem bubble. I am winning the battle with food. And the more I win, the stronger I become. And after a while I feel unstoppable. But I always was, and I didn't need a challenge to prove it. That's my hardest lesson. I can do this, I have always been capable and its really not that hard.

We can't change the past so why obsess over it? We have no idea what's in our future so what's the use in worrying? In this moment though? Everything is in this moment. The entire universe exists in the now. So right now you have a choice. And your choice won't change your past, but it can shape your future. Don't give up your focus and your goal because of a moment. Give up the moment to your focus and your goal. And when you see something you want, ask yourself if it helps your goal. Ask yourself if its fulfilling a momentary impulse or an actual need.  And pray to sweet baby Jesus because cake is delicious.

The True Religion Challenge

When I was at Razor's Edge Fitness in Pensacola, there was a trainer there who changed my life in many ways.  Corey taught me discipline, a desire to be strong, and inspired me to better.  She also introduced me to Paleo.  Corey wore True Religion jeans.  And suffice to say she looked damn good in them.  I remember wanting that so badly.  To be able to look great in a pair of jeans like that.  True religion jeans only go up to a size 31 and they are over $200.  They are also my birthday present to myself this year.



My birthday is April 19th.  That gives me 3 months and 19 days to get down to that size.  I currently wear about a 36.  I am about to do something I have never done before.  Set a huge goal and reach it.  I have done 30 days of Paleo.  30 days of Primal.  30 days without alcohol.  Quit smoking cold turkey.  Quit spending on ridiculous things.  And now its time to reach beyond the limits of my 30 day comfort zone and start something I have to finish.   Its more than just 3 months and 19 days of Paleo (and trust me there will be a few cheat days to keep my sanity in tact),  its about finishing something I should have a long time ago.  Its about me being tired of being big.  And I'm done with it.  I have lost around 60lbs on this entire journey.  I have done a lot and I am proud of that.  But its time to finish this journey so that I may start a new one.  One that doesn't include weight or jean sizes.  This is my pledge and my gift to myself.  Interested?

Willpower: Where do I get it? Is there an app for that?

I read self help books.  I love Oprah and Dr. Phil.  I know that its cheesy and corny, but I realized long ago that human emotion and struggle is universal and someone out there has probably already gone through it so I should just listen to them.
Yesterday Dr. Phil said the difference between a goal and a dream was that a goal has a date and a plan.  So yesterday I made two goals, two dates, and two plans...wrote them down and everything and decided to stick to them.
Last night I was talking to an old friend and she said something that broke my heart. 
"Is it too late for me?"
She's 29 btw.  And of course its never too late to start making changes.  And that's all this really is, little changes and choices that add up to results.

So back to willpower.  I was thinking about it.  How much do you need to be successful at anything? How much discipline to make your dream a reality? I don't really know.  I know I feel like I don't have a lot of it.  But there is a difference between getting up everyday and battling yourself all the time to do the right thing and stressing over eating a piece of candy and beating yourself up over a french fry, and just writing out a game plan and doing it.  That doesn't seem so hard now does it?  Here are some steps to building willpower I have found really work for me and maybe they will for you too not just in diet and exercise but life as well:
1. STOP HATING YOURSELF
       If you stand in front of the mirror everyday and hate what you see you are off to a bad start.  Why do you hate yourself so much? You did it.  Its your fault.  But you can also fix it.  And that is empowering, not deprecating.  Look at yourself and don't hate it, but say out loud what you want to change.  There are so many things in this world I hate and probably can't do a damn thing about, but when it comes to ANYTHING about myself, well I can change that, probably almost immediately.  Standing there hating yourself is a waste of time.  If you don't like something say you don't, then say what you're going to do about it.  The chains that bind you are the ones you've made yourself, so break them and fix that shit.

2. ITS REALLY NOT THAT HARD
    We are not battling the forces of darkness or trying to get the ring to rule them all back to Mordor.  You are just not eating crap and getting off your ass and doing something.  Its not hard.  Quit telling yourself it is and that you will fail.  Its not a quest for the missing grail, its just food.  Just because you failed before doesn't mean you will this time.  You can do it.  You WILL do it.  You are just following the plan.  Get down off the cross and do some lunges.

3. STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF
    So you are unhappy? Join the club.  But you are not different, and the millions of people who have come before you have done it so why can't you? You're not too old, you're not too fat, you DO have enough time, and you have the strength to do it because see #2 ITS NOT THAT HARD!

4.  STOP MAKING EXCUSES
     No one cares that you're fat.  It doesn't bother the rest of the world.  It keeps on turning right around doesn't it? So your excuses are only hurting you.  And you will pay the price, no one else.  So stop making them.  You're wasting time.  All that time you spend making an excuse you could have been making a solution.  Sit down and make the goal, make the date, and make the plan.

5. CONGRATULATE YOURSELF
    You are not a lazy piece of shit who can't do anything.  You are a person on a mission.  And everyday and every second that you get closer to the goal you need to praise yourself.  Tell yourself you did it and you are going to do it again.  Look in the mirror and say today I may not like what I see so today I'm going to change it.  Today I will be better than I was yesterday.  I will be better in the next minute than I was a minute ago.  Pump yourself up.  Rocky IV soundtrack will do the trick.

6. DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP
    Rome wasn't built in a day.  And your fat ass isn't going to be smaller in a week.  And if you slip up don't beat yourself up over it.  Move on.  No pity parties here.  Pity parties are not fun for anyone and the food and music are terrible.  Just keep going.  For every mistake do two good things to make up for it.  Ferrero Roche? An extra 2 min on the treadmill and 15 extra pushups.  Then smile and pat yourself on the back because you are doing it!

7.  DONT HATE YOUR WORKOUT
     If you don't want to get up at 5 am and do lunges then don't.  Find something you like to do.  Got kids? Go play with them.  Got a dog? Go walk it.  Park farthest from the door at kroger and walk.  You should feel blessed you can even do that.  Some people can't. The point is do something.  20 mins people.  20 min of MODERATE activity 4-5 times a week will do wonders.  You don't have to kill yourself.  But some days you might have the urge..and when you do take it and run with it.

I suggest you sit down right now, write your goal down in big fun letters.  Then write down your date.  Then make a plan for each week that brings you closer toward that goal.  And banish all negativity from your life.  Don't do ANYTHING that isn't pushing you towards that goal.  Its not that hard. 

Secret Confessions- I'm a Food Addict

Today as I was eating my kosher bun-less hotdog during our restaurant's family meal, one of the cooks looked at me and said
"No bun?? You need carbs for energy, did you know Dr. Atkins died at 55?"
I said "bread and pasta are slow burning and actually provide no energy, that's why I'm eating asparagus and eggplant because those are actual energy carbs" 
She looked at me bewildered, I further explained I get my carbs and subsequent energy from fruits and veggies.  She replied, " I had no idea fruits and veggies were carbs"

Yet she knew that Dr. Atkins died at age 55.  This is what scares me.  This is what keeps me up at night.  This and standing behind the obese woman in kroger with her obese child and her cart filled with horrendous food, thinking that her whole grain bread is better than white bread.  It's not only a lack of education its a a product of the industry flat out lying to people and its freaking sad.

Do you want to know what's more sad than that?  The fact that I have the knowledge (however little it may be) and I still eat horrible foods.  Why? I'm a food addict.  And even more specific I'm a "moment" addict.  Which is even more frightening in terms of life choices.

I'm an impulse addict.  And it has never seemed like such a problem until I gained 80lbs.  And I think I've learned that it is not isolated to just food.  It crosses every single aspect of my life.  It controls me and it causes me to make poor decisions despite having all the necessary knowledge to change.  And that makes me worse off than the fat ladies at Kroger: I know better...

So as I go along my journey and realize that it is not just about the food I eat but how and why I eat and how each day exercising a little bit of control of impulse in every part of my everyday decision making I can gain the practice and discipline to transfer over to my diet and my exercise.

And just for the record let me just say one more time that grains are not good for you in any way whatsoever.  No they don't have fiber that you can even use.  They are sugar.  Period.  Whew..

Let me also say that today I stared at a plate of brownies while eating asparagus and I think it made it a little easier...

What. The. Hell.

No weights, no paleo makes Julie a fatty patty.

So I got a new job as a manager at a restaurant/brewery.  And let's just say it's been going really well except for the beer and bread... and not working out.  Now it's all catching up to me and those jeans that used to fall off all the sudden are staying on.  More importantly I don't feel great... and by not great I mean I feel horrible.

Because I made my 30 days of paleo a novelty and gave myself a month long pat on the back where I was so proud of myself that I decided eating EVERYTHING and not working out was the best reward ever... I have lost some serious ground.  But don't worry you guys, I have good news.

I'm back... starting today I'm doing another 30 days of paleo, but not just for you this time, for me.  I have discovered something amazing about myself recently... I have a ridiculous amount of willpower.  4 weeks ago I decided I wouldn't bite my nails anymore.  I bit my nails for 28 years and tried everything to quit.... everything except actually just quitting... like just saying you know what I'm not going to do this anymore... and yesterday I cut my fingernails for the first time ever.  It seems like a small thing but it proved something to me... I don't need gimmicks or accountability.  I don't need motivation or a support buddy to call when I'm about to cheat.  I have everything inside me to be successful... I just need to do it... and let nothing get in my way and no excuses overtake my willpower..

I also realize the people around me who are struggling with the exact things I always talk about and have told everyone a million times... I want to reach the people I love and somehow show them how paleo can change their life if they just commit and let them know they can do it.  I have found in my life as a trainer or a leader that you cannot make people do anything.... you can only do it... and let them see your success and then let them find their way... so here we go again.

Btw I will also be starting CrossFit again (thank god) at CrossFit East Decatur and I can't wait to start bitching about how sore and strong I am...